The RANT

Pissing Off Customers

I’m still under the gun here, on deadline… but I had a thought I’d like to share here.

Just a quick post.

Last night, after working diligently all day, I took a break and settled into the couch with my honey (and my dogs) to watch a pay-per-view movie. You know — kick back and dumb down. One of modern life’s little pleasures.

But no… the cable TV service did a “HAL” on me, and refused to cooperate. I got an indecipherable error message when I tried to give them money for a movie.

So, I called the only number listed for the cable company. I’ll spare you most of the details, because I’m sure you’ve experienced similar intellectual insults… but I was put through twenty minutes of automated Hell, forced to jump through hoops and recite information and answer truly stupid questions… by a sweet-voiced ROBOT.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t hear your selection. Could you please repeat your answer? Here are your choices again…”

Now, I’m a level-headed guy, most of the time. All I wanted was my friggin’ movie. The popcorn was getting cold, the dogs had wandered off, and I quickly began to resent this… ROBOT… that assumed I was one of the stupidest humans on the planet.

She (it was woman’s voice) very politely informed me that, in “her” experience, the solution was one of the following twelve choices… and she, in her wisdom and patience, was going to stay with me while we worked together to solve this pecadillo.

First choice: “Is your television set turned on? Say yes… or no, please.”

You know, companies that use robot answering systems experimented with software a few years ago that recognized when people started using “bad” words… and you would get a dial tone the instant you swore, kicked off for having a potty mouth.

The cable company must not have implemented that software, however, cuz by the third choice in the robot menu, I was calling her every evil name I could think of. (I even used the dreaded “C” word. Shame on me. It was anthropomorphism gone ape-shit.)

A half hour later, I’d rebooted the entire system twice, recited every piece of privileged info I have four times, and performed technological stunts that defied logic.

And STILL got the damn error code.

Next step: The robot connected me with “Steve”… in Bombay. “Steve”, who had clearly never set foot on American soil, apologized profusely for everything, and asked me for ALL the info I’d given the robot multiple times just minutes before.

Then… he asked me if the TV was on. So we could reboot the system.

At that point, my mind cleared a bit. I had the sense to ask what the friggin’ error code meant… and “Steve” seemed reluctant to tell me.

Weak signal, he finally mumbled.

So… rebooting was essentially useless, wasn’t it?

Well… yes.

Then why had I been subjected to all this futile rigamarole?

Oh, very sorry about everything, sir. You’ll probably have to ask to have a technician come over to look at your system. And no, I can’t arrange that for you.

I did NOT call “Steve” any names. He’s just doing his job, right?

Before hanging up, in fact, he asked me if I wanted to review my account… because there were exciting NEW options available from my wonderful cable company to make me happy, happy, happy.

Stunned at the stupidity of asking me for more money while clearly not delivering on what I’d already paid for, I hung up on “Steve”. Let him suck some dial tone.

No movie, no appointment set up to fix things, and a ruined evening (which could have been salvaged had the robot told me that the error code meant no solution would be forthcoming… in the time I spent on the phone jumping through her hoops, I could have drove over to Blockbuster and rented the flick, come back and enjoyed my popcorn).

And the entire nasty experience was topped with a chirpy request for more money, please, thank you very much.

This is what happens when the friggin’ government confuses the free market with monopolies. There’s only one cable company in town. I’ll have to get a dish if I want the service I’ve paid for.

Mind you, the fiber-optic cable laid in the street was financed with my tax money. Paid for by me, but owned by the cable monster.

It’s enough to turn a guy into a frothing socialist.

Okay, I’m done complaining.

Here’s the marketing lesson: I’ve run my biz as a two-person shop for years. This means that, occasionally, things slipped through cracks, and customers rightly got frustrated and angry.

But here’s the kicker: Whenever that happened, we promptly took CARE of the problem as soon as it came to our attention. We never outsourced customer management… because the first rule of Operation MoneySuck is to pay attention to where the money’s coming from.

Duh.

The cable companies — and every other monopoly joint in the culture — TALK a good game of customer relations… but it’s ALL talk.

I can easily imagine the meeting where they planned out the flowchart their robot would use with complaining customers. They must have been laughing their asses off, coming up with new tortures to inflict (like asking if your TV was “on”).

It’s plausible, and you know I’m right. That meeting really could have been a laugh-parade of evil-minded employees… because none of them CARED about the customer. They would collect their paycheck regardless.

They were, in fact, as removed from Operation MoneySuck as a person could be.

As an entrepreneur or small business owner, you cannot allow this mindset of “screw ’em, we already got their money” to infect your operations.

I’ve consulted with small biz who wanted to buy an automated answering system… and the reason was always the same: It was a HASSLE dealing with unhappy customers personally.

Well, too bad, I told them.

I don’t believe the customer is “always right”, because there ARE plenty of insane assholes out there.

But until you can VERIFY that any complainer IS insane or an asshole… you must assume he’s a good guy who got screwed in your system.

And what he wants is nothing elaborate. I have been close to every customer we’ve had for five years now, and I hear Diane dealing with them in the next office every day.

No matter how mad they are to start with… it’s EASY to end their frustration, which is usually the source of the anger. We’ll either fix the problem asap, or refund them, or do whatever else is required to be fair.

It’s not brain surgery.

The LAST thing you want to do with an angry customer… is to pitch them for more money. That’s just stupid… and makes me think your entire organization is stupid.

For me, that means going to a dish. The cable company will care not a whit that I’ve left, because they believe their monopoly is solid. But multiply me by a thousand, or ten thousand, and you’ve got a problem. Even worse, how could the cable company know that I’m not wired into the city council… where their tidy little monopoly is vulnerable?

Treating customers well is the first casualty of growing too big, and getting to comfy. (For a more grisly example, check out the way the Walter Reed Hospital story played out — thinking they were immune, the idiots running the joint refused to fix problems when it would have been easy… and one day they woke up being the face of a national scandal.)

Human problems require human solutions. The company that realizes this will thrive, with or without a monopoly. Slogans and robots do not replace human connections.

HAL — the misunderstood computer in the movie “2001” — eventually got his ass handed to him, and audiences cheered.

Because it’s no fun swearing at a robot that cannot be insulted.

Stay frosty.

John Carlton
www.marketingrebel.com

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10 comments
Vince Czaplyski says March 3, 2007

John,

Even when you can’t do a damn thing about the problem (like “Steve”), the next best thing to do is to fess up ASAP, utter “Mea culpa” and at least start figuring out how to prevent the next customer’s FUBAR experience. Jet Blue’s recent meltdown should have been anticipated (it wasn’t) but they at least SAID they would do something to keep it from happening again. Whether or not they follow through the next time, I think they bought time and put a happy face on what was otherwise a s*** sandwich they were going to eat regardless.

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Lisa Manyon says March 3, 2007

John,

I feel your pain. I think “Steve” must be the same guy that called me at home on a SUNDAY to demand payment for a computer system I had already paid for IN FULL. This guy actually tried to pry credit card info out of me, insisted I hadn’t paid and refused to transfer me to a supervisor. He received a dose of dial tone too. This particular company did attempt damage control on the following Monday but it was too late. Loyalty had more than faded, loyalty, fled screaming, full bore, into the sunset.

It truly amazes me that companies are so out of touch with customer needs. Have they any idea the conversations going on in our heads, not to mention what we’ve just shared with others here?

Lisa ~

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Shana LeBeau says March 3, 2007

John,
Are you married? Oh, wait, scratch that question, I am already married, I was just so taken with your sensible attitude about customer service that it slipped my mind for a moment.

Like you, I have spent equal parts of my life as, respectively, the Customer and the CSA and have been dumbfounded at the apparent lack of interest displayed in providing, if not competant, helpful service, then at least a decent imitation of concern.

The computerized systems really are the final insult and I don’t think you were out of line in calling one by names that would get you decked if you addressed a human in the same fashion.
I am delighted to report that QWEST (of all the unlikely heros) got it at some point last year… I yelled at the previously impenatrable “HAL” clone that “I want a F@$^ing human” and the next thing I heard was “Please hold while I connect you to a customer service representative”…. 5 seconds later, a real voice asked how she could help me… I broke up laughing and it ended up being a pleasant call rather than minor torture.

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Brian Laks says March 3, 2007

If screaming at HAL doesn’t work, sometimes just pounding keys (0 for operator seems to work too), can bring a human. It’s this type of situation that makes iptv seem so much more acceptable. But then I guess your stuck in the same spot when your internet goes out 🙂 And that might be even worse… Remember the AOL customer who tried to cancel their account?

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Chuck Dolce says March 4, 2007

Hey John,

You are correct. But what amazes me is how some companies fail to understand the importance of promptly dealing with issues. I recently re-upped for my anti-virus software and upgraded to their 2007 version. After the installation I found out that I could no longer access my e-mail. I was a Saturday and customer support was closed so I wasted 3 hours switching security options on and off and scouring their FAQ/help page for a solution. I finally dashed off an aggravated e-mail to their support e-mail.

I called their tech desk on Monday and explained the urgency of the situation (I work from home so this was affecting my business.) The tech asked me to run a software application and send them the log file. He promised to send me an e-mail (go figure!) with the details of what I’d need to do. Never got one. Next day I canceled and went with another vendor. Don’t they realize how critical something like an a/v application is these days? How can you leave a customer hanging like that? I wish I had an enterprise contract with 50 licenses to cancel.

Oh – and 2 weeks later I got an e-mail response to the original mail I sent that Saturday.

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Lynna Landstreet says March 4, 2007

I absolutely hate those voice-response systems! Bell Canada has one now, as does my mobile phone provider, Telus, and I can’t stand having to call either of them because of it. I’ve learned, though, that most of them recognize the word “human” and will put you through to a customer service rep if you say it.

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Tom Tolman says March 5, 2007

John-One word-Netflix

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Elizabeth says March 6, 2007

I was going to post all the gory details of that crazy time when I called Time Warner Cable after I got married to change my name on our account and they said, “You need to fill out a form” and I said “Okay” and then they turned off my service a week later.

I had to pay 50 smackers to get it turned back on. It was pretty sweet.

But then I thought, no, my blog-comment brain cells would be much better spent letting you know how much Diane rocks, and how you are one of maybe three or four online entrepreneurs of at least a dozen I’ve had purchasing issues with.

Indeed, I posted a mini-rant of my own on this very topic just a few days before you made this post:

http://www.elizabethpurvis.com/2007/02/21/too-bad-%e2%80%93-i-could-have-been-your-customer/

Give Diane a high five! Keep rockin’!

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Elizabeth says March 6, 2007

(Whoop… I meant: you are one of three or four entreps whose office actually RESPONDED when I let ’em know about said purchasing issues… and promptly at that!)

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Andrew says March 6, 2007

I know exactly what you mean.

Before I got into this biz of copywriting, I actually installed cable for “the man”. And when the Las Vegas summer got to hot for me, I went to work in Tech Support for the same company… Cox.

I would hear what the other tech’s would make up for excuses to customers of why their tv or internet connection wasn’t working, and I realized what a disconnnect there was between the guys in the field, (who worked in reality), and the tech’s at the call center who had no idea what was really going on.

When i would get on the phone with a customer, I knew exactly what was happening because I had been in the field curing these problems for the previous 6 months. My answers weren’t always welcome, but the customer would know that I knew what I was talking about. And I could make sure the problem was dealt with quickly.

Of course, I didn’t win any friends from the supervisors who wanted me to just recite the company line.

Needless to say, one day I’d had enough and walked after giving my notice and 2 cents on how to make things run more smoothly.

No one cared or wanted to know what was really going on. There was absolutely no communication between the support center and the tech’s in the field and their supervisors. It was best to keep the lines of communication “down” as far as they were concerned. Don’t let people know the truth because…. well… there was no answer to that one.

Of course there were definitely some real nutty people who would call in, and yes, they didn’t have the tv or computer turned on. Go figure. “You mean I have to turn it on?” “Now I feel really embarrassed.” “Can you send a tech out here to show me how to do that?” “What do I do with this mouse thingy?” “Why can’t I get online?” Is your computer turned on? “How do I do that?” Geeeeesh.

Seriously, Andrew

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